Unless you’ve been on planet ZOD! for the past few days you’ve probably heard the shocking news about our Adam. Yes! The world has been thrown off it’s axis, tsunamis have risen up and swallowed whole islands and life as we know it has irrevocably changed forever. Because Adam decided to go out to a club and have a few drinks with Sauli.
If only he had been a good boy and chosen to stay home and read books about raising pumpkins instead none of this would have happened. But alas! We cannot turn back time and now we, the fans, are forced to deal with the fallout from this epic disaster. Oh woe is US!!
First for those who came in really late (we’ll forgive you this time but don’t make a habit of it) here’s a brief recap of the horrific events (hold onto your pearls ladies!!!).
One day, Adam went to China where he was beseiged by fans and followed everywhere by people with cameras. He performed some gig for a lot of bigwig corporate dudes and then tried to sneak out of the country (ha! fat chance!) and secretly head for Finland for some much needed private relaxing time with his boyfriend Sauli (ha! fat chance doubled).
SO. He arrives in Finland, jetlagged and tired, meets up with Sauli and two of Sauli’s mates (Sophia and Niko or Rico – whatever) and the four of them immediately head off to a popular gay club in Helsinki (mistake #1). Adam knocks back a couple of vodkas (mistake #2) and with his jetlag and exhaustion suddenly finds himself really drunk. Unfortunately so is everyone else so no-one noticed until Sauli says something to Adam that somehow turns into an argument. Sauli and Adam are yelling, Adam’s flailing his arms around as he does when he’s a bit drunk and then their drunk friend Sophia decided to intervene between them (mistake #3). As she pokes her head in between them Adam’s arm is in mid-flail and her face accidentally connects with his hand. Someone… possibly some other drunk in the bar sees that happen and blearily assumes that the big dude is beating up that nice pretty lady.
So they call the police and tell the bar owner who throws Adam and Sauli out. Meanwhile the Finnish tabloids, who have been lurking just in case something like this happened, instantly belch out BS news stories based on nothing, alleging that Adam had suddenly gone berserk and embarked on a drunken rampage through Helsinki beating up his boyfriend and random strangers for no apparent reason.
The police arrived, took drunk Sauli to a drunk tank and drunk Adam to the station. Stuck them both in cells to sober up so that they could ask them what happened.
Meanwhile Sophia and Nico tried to tweet everyone letting them know nothing had happened while random sh!t-faced drama queens at the club (looking for their 5 seconds of fame) began tweeting all kinds of wild stories about what they reckon went down, like: Sauli kicked a beauty queen in the head, Adam took on several blokes and beat em all up (really? I’d like to see that!), Sauli fought with Sophia so her boyfriend attacked Sauli so Adam defended Sauli by attacking the boyfriend or something confusing like that and ….well…. you name it, or rather, you invent it, they said it.
The police kept giving statements to the press that it really wasn’t a big deal and they expected at most for the whole thing to result in a fine – but needed to wait till they could interview the boys.
But everyone ignored their official statements because the sensationalist rubbish was way more interesting so the media and random busy-bodies continued spreading gossip and panic all over the interweb.
While Adam and Sauli sat in their lonely cold cells in Helsinki, somewhere in America (some remote place where most people daren’t venture due to the overwhelming stench) Perez Hilton awoke from a stupor after a night spent frolicking with his imaginary friends. Pushing aside his blow up dolls he slithered across the mud and slime to his filth-encrusted computer where he discovered all the latest gossip about Adam. Rubbing his sweaty palms together with glee, Perez proceeded to copy all the worst, most ridiculous bits of goss he could find and cobbled them together into a post for his poisonous blog. Perez never misses an opportunity to sink the boot into Adam, ever since that time he tried to pash him but Adam screamed in horror and tore off in his mustang at the speed of light. This story, tho, was an absolute God-send for America’s resident fame-whore and Perez was so excited he couldn’t stop farting!
So all the lazy-arse media all over the world sleepily read PH’s usual crap story and decided to run with it coz it sounded deliciously bad and it sure beat doing their own research of actual, you know FACTS.
And so, Adam beats up boyfriend and innocent by-standers in drunken rage became the headline of the hour.
Of course at this point no-one had a feckin clue what had happened – possibly not even Sauli and Adam themselves – so what these idiots thought they were doing screaming such damaging nonsense around the world is beyond me. It seems no journalist alive is required to understand ethics any more.
Some time later a HUGE crowd of papz had gathered outside the police station….. (well…. about 4 in all, not including the drinks carriers) and rumours continued to fly around the net.
The more sensible twitter people were simply cracking jokes relating to Adam’s glambulge or wondering whether he’d do a “duck face mug shot” or not. But several hysterical fans were imploding all over his official fan site and twitter despairing over their boy and his wicked wicked ways. Me? I was just making popcorn, enjoying the ride (Adam is never ever dull) and waiting for Adam to be sent on his merry way, pretty certain we’d hear from him that he wasn’t hurt and everything was fine.
Sure enough, after a while Sauli posted news in his blog so everyone realised they were both ok, no longer in custody and both perfectly happy and safe. Sadly the poor old papz were still waiting in the freezing cold outside the police station even tho no-one was there, so Sauli kindly let them know there was a back gate at the police station and perhaps they should just go home – like he and Adam had already done.
The Finnish police popped out before they headed off to inform them, somewhat disappointingly, that there was actually nothing going on. That there had been no violence, no claim to answer and really it was just a case of a couple of guys partying a bit too hard and getting loud and unruly. The papz slumped off back to their lairs with nothing much to show for their vigil except red noses, cold feet and a boring tale of people getting drunk at a pub.
That’s it really. The shocking awful facts laid bare. Terrible stuff innit. The pair of them should be locked up for at least 10 years for that. And all they got was a bit of a chin wag with the cops and then waved off home with a smile and wink. DISGUSTING I CALLS IT!!!
So I’m calling for a public flogging. Only of Adam tho, not Sauli. Because Sauli is blond n little n cute n stuff while Adam is sorta TALL and DARK so OBVIOUSLY Adam caused the whole thing. He should be ashamed of himself. I’m hoping Adam will volunteer to flog himself (with a fluffy purple whippy thing) but if he fails to do that then someone else should whip him instead. And maybe put him in stocks for a few weeks. In tar and feathers!!! Or feather boas at least. With leather chaps and tassles on his……. ok I should stop now…..
I mean seriously. These celebs think they can get away with anything these days and Adam’s clearly the worst of the lot. WE demand action be taken against this heinous (good word that!!) human being.
Oh and according to Perez’ latest blog crap, he should apologise to Perez Hilton too. Apparently Perez is really angry over the fact that he’s so ugly and unpopular and he reckons it’s Adam’s fault so he’s been demanding an apology from Adam. We agree. Adam is clearly the cause of all the ills of the world and Perez is no exception. We would, however, go a step further and demand that Adam apologise for the very existence of Perez Hilton.
I’ll leave you all with one of Adam’s tweets sent shortly after all this happened. It stated oh so succinctly where the cause of all this angst and fuss lay and who should REALLY be issuing apologies, to Adam and to the world in general. He simply tweeted the letter “P”.
Yes Adam. You hit the nail squarely on the head. Only you left out the second letter …………….”H”.